A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do
you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry
asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm
buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to buy Mom ....'
- - - - -
A
first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the
1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I
think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took
Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer
office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st
grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the
principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and
tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let
me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow
have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that
you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she
ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a
man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his
mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and
pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really
wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do
standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an
'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of
relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
last seven questions wrong...'
- - - - -
A teenage boy had
just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they
could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to
love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
- - - - -
Very good...and much appreciated by an English Major. GS
> On his 74th birthday, a man got a
gift certificate from his wife. The
> certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
> reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
> dysfunction.
>
> After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
ticket to the
> medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
>
> The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to
him, and
> with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine,
and it
> must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.' When
> you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your
> life, and you can perform as long as you want."
>
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I
> stop the medicine from working?"
>
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the
> medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
>
> He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved,
> took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join
him in
> the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"
>
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
>
> His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then
she asked,
> "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a
> preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
At
St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the
assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA
money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are
planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly
replied, " I gonna go picka her up." - Unknown
The
Older Crowd,
Unknown
BARABING!!
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this
week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay
his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
and
left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE
SAME
REASON
Michael
Gartner Story, Michael Gartner
> A young Texan grew up
wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 4'', and strong as a
longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in
the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where
he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.
> After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally
called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
> The Chief Deputy says, "You're a big strong kid and you can really
shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what
you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you
can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."
> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk,
the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six ACLU lawyers, six Democrat senators, six meth dealers, six
Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
> "Why the rabbit?" the young man asked.
> "Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
Misheard,
Unknown
Generation Y,
Unknown
Church
Bulletin Bloopers,
Unknown
DA Cowboy Named Bud,
Unknown
Driver's
License,
Unknown
Vatican Humour,
Unknown
Offered by
Jay Leno this
week...
"Did you know that there is now a male
version of Mustang Ranch in Nevada, for women?
For $50., the "escort" will talk dirty to you.
For $100., he will go to bed with you.
And for $200., he will listen to you."
We are in
trouble...,
Unknown
Nominated as the best short joke of the year (2009):
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles
while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Bob Hope in Heaven,
Unknown
Older Women are
so Reasonable,
Unknown
Old Pilots,
Unknown
That's a thigh-slapper...and a keeper. Thanks. But I don't
need the warning now. GS
Man of the house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow morning, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first
guess."
Maxine
for President,
Unknown
Medical
Advice,
Unknown
