George A. Sprecace M.D., J.D., F.A.C.P. and Allergy Associates of New London, P.C.
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A Bit of Whimsey

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

- - - - -

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

- - - - -

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'




- - - - -

Very good...and much appreciated by an English Major.   GS

> On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
> certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
> reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
> dysfunction.
>
> After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
> medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
>
> The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
> with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it
> must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When
> you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
> life, and you can perform as long as you want."
>
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
> stop the medicine from working?"
>
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the
> medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
>
> He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
> took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
> the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
>
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
>
> His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
> "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
> preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.  Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'  The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up." - Unknown


The Older Crowd, Unknown

BARABING!!

The Haircut
 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
 
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I 
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, 
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing 
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank 
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his 
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm 
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and 
left the shop.
 
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen 
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between 
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME 
REASON

Court Proceedings, Unknown

          Every once in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed.  It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.  He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.  There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"  There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Michael Gartner Story, Michael Gartner

> A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 4'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.
> After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
> The Chief Deputy says, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good.  But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."
> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six ACLU lawyers, six Democrat senators, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
> "Why the rabbit?" the young man asked.
> "Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Misheard, Unknown

Generation Y, Unknown

Church Bulletin Bloopers, Unknown

DA Cowboy Named Bud, Unknown

Driver's License, Unknown

Vatican Humour, Unknown

Offered by Jay Leno this week...

"Did you know that there is now a male version of Mustang Ranch in Nevada, for women?
For $50., the "escort" will talk dirty to you.
For $100., he will go to bed with you.
And for $200., he will listen to you."

We are in trouble..., Unknown

Nominated as the best short joke of the year (2009):

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Bob Hope in Heaven, Unknown

Older Women are so Reasonable, Unknown

Old Pilots, Unknown

That's a thigh-slapper...and a keeper.  Thanks.  But I don't need the warning now.  GS

Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow morning, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

Maxine for President, Unknown

Medical Advice, Unknown

Better than a Flu Shot, Unknown

<>Solutions, Unknown
<>
<>Always thinking (of one thing), these Italians.  GS ---> Confession, Unknown
<>

Health Care Decisions, Unknown

Creation, Unknown

Marriage, Unknown

Greatest Qualities, Unknown

The Wrong B-----, Unknown

The Mensa Invitational, Unknown

Obama does turn as comedian in chief, Unknown

Funeral Cost, Unknown

Older Gentleman, Unknown

Biker and the Lion, Unknown

Incorrect Email, Unknown

One Day Employment, Unknown

A Cure for Snoring, Unknown

Be Careful What you Wish For, Unknown

Irish Jokes, Unknown

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven, Unknown

Misc. Jokes, Unknown

Acts Joke, Unknown

An Athiest in the Woods, Unknown

Forwarded Jokes
, Unknown

Scottish Norwegian Logic, Unknown

First Time
, Unknown

Attorney/Witness Responses, Unknown

Olympic Comments, Unknown

Humor for Lexophiles
, Unknown

Abbott & Costello on Computers, Unknown

Gay Flight Attendant, Unknown

Age and Experience, Unknown

The Pastor's Donkey, Unknown

84 Year Old Bride, Unknown

Breakfast at the White House, Unknown

Tech. Support for Husband, Unknown

Julie Andrews on Aging, Julie Andrews (reportedly)

Italian Pregnancy, Unknown

Demographics of American Newspapers, Unknown

Sumbitch, Unknown

The Pastor, Unknown

Where Did The White Man Go Wrong, Unknown

When Grandma Goes to Court, Unknown

Broke Back Mountain Lady, Unknown

Irish Diet, Unknown

How to Call the Police, Unknown

An Irish Observance of Lent, Unknown

[Updated] Short (i.e., not long) Jokes, Various

Why did the chicken cross the road?, Unknown

Political Science, Unknown

Old Jack Russell, Unknown

Hymn, Unknown

Friends, Unknown

Finklestein and Jesus, Unknown

Woman as Explained by Engineers (.pdf), Various

Senior Humor, Various

[Updated] Military Wisdom, Various

Best Singles Ad, Unknown

Nativity Scene, Unknown

[Updated] Overheard on Air Traffic Control Frequencies

Husband Store, Unknown

Physician Diagnoses, Unknown

Living Will, Unknown

Who Do You Marry, Unknown

Irish Ghost Story, Unknown

New Wal-Mart Greeter, Unknown

Giving Up Wine, Unknown

Letter from a Farm Kid, Unknown

What Do You Remember?, Various

Military Wisdom, Various

The Marine, Unknown

Getting Older, Various

Blonde Joke, Various

Ageless Wit, Various

Math Today, Unknown

Car Radio, Unknown

Ten Dollars, Unknown

Driving, Unknown

College Daze, Unknown

Grandkids, Unknown

Retirement, Unknown

Fishing, Unknown

Politicians, Unknown

Wisdom, Unknown

The Tomato Garden, Unknown

Munchies for Thought, Unknown

Republican or Democrat?, Unknown

Capitalism and Cows, Unknown

Old-fashioned Marriage, Unknown

Frenchisms, Various Authors

"The World According to Carlin", by George Carlin

"Euro-English Agreement"

"Did you hear the one about..." the Sunday NYTimes carrying a section called"Night Lines", quoting the likes of Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien Jimmy Kimmel and Jon Stewart?  (See Sunday, July 17, 2005, Wk, p2).   Very funny.  One example from Jimmy Kimmel:  "Brad Pitt is in the hospital.  Nurses say it's not anything serious, although just to be on the safe side, they've already given him 11 sponge baths."
But that's nothing.  I know a nurse (my wife) who used to tell her young buck patients: "I'll wash down as far as possible.  I'll wash up as far as possible.  You wash 'Possible'".
GS

"Service"

Room Service

Headlines: 2035

Engineer Bashing

What every Italian - American, and everyone with such a friend, knows

"Just what the doctor ordered"...and for all who like "black humor": see www.placebojournal.com

French Military Prowess Revisited

Computers and Cars

Art Linkletter used to say "People are Funny".   That's not the entire story.  See the article by Kenton Robinson in The Day (theday.com), Sunday, December 21, 2003, entitled: "Oh, what a year it was" (Daybreak, pG1).  Since we all belong to the same genus and species, these stories made me wince.
GS

Things to Ponder

Governmentium

Legalese Night Before Christmas

Misc. Jokes

Carlinisms

Secrets to a Great Relationship

Disorder in the Court

"How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity"

Marriage

Talk Show Hosts Regarding September 11, 2001

A Herd of Cats

"Alco's Letter" as Reported by PhotoBay


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