- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

CHRISTMAS PARROT 

One 
Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an  unusual
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,  named Chet,
which could sing famous Christmas  carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. 

"How do I get him to sing?"
the young man asked,  excitedly.    "Simply 
hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the shop owner's 
reply.   The 
shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.  Chet  began
to sing:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!"

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.  
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:

"Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as  quickly
as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift  she was
overwhelmed. 
 
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied,  
"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped  out his lighter
and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the  shop-keeper had shown him,
and Chet  crooned:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out 
came:

"Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold  the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. 
 
"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. 

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet
twisted his face,  cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly
like it  was the performance of his life:

"Chet's  nuts roasting on an open fire..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

> Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back- rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
>
> The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
>
> NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken." (True story)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A POLISH MOTHER WRITING TO HER SON
(as related by a Polish mother)

Dear Son: Stanley

Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive.  I’m writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. 
You won’t know the house when you come home –we’ve moved. 
About your father, he has a lovely new job.  He has 500 men under him.  He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she’s been going out with.  He gave her a beautiful ring with three stones missing. 
Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs.  We got wind of if this morning. 
I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn’t working too good.  Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen the shirts since. 
Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying.  All the boys in the school have new suits.  We can’t afford to buy him a new suit, but we’re going to buy him a new hat and let him look out the window. 
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning.  I haven’t heard yet weather it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know weather you’re an aunt or an uncle. 
Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery.  Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.  We cremated his body, and it took three days to put out the fire. 
Kate is now working in a factory in Birmingham.  She’s been there now for 3 weeks.  I’m sending her some clean clothes, as she says she’s been in the same shift since she started.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me.  The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him. 
It rained only twice last week.  First for 3 days then for 4 days.  Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg 4 times. 
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker.  He said if the last installment wasn’t paid on your grandmother within 7 days, up she comes. 
I must close now—the plumber is coming here to repair the pipes, and there’s a schooking smell. 
                                                                           Your loving mother,
                                                                                     Stella

PS.  I was going to send you $10.  but I had already sealed the envelope.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

O nly  the I rish  have Jokes L ike T hese

Into  a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd  just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a  sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and  bruised
and he's walking with a  limp.
"What  happened to you?" asks Sean, the  bartender.
" Jamie  O'Conner and me had a fight," says  Paddy.
" That  little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do  that
to you, he must have had something in his  hand."
" That  he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a  terrible lickin' he gave me with  it."
" Well,"  says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't  you have something in your hand?"
"  That  I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs.  O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but  useless in a fight."

***************************************************
An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink is  driving
home from the city one night and,
of course,  his car is weaving violently all over the  road.

A cop  pulls him over.
" So,"  says the cop to the driver, where have ya  been?"
"Why,  I've been to the pub of course," slurs the  drunk.
" Well,"  says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to  drink this evening."
" I did  all right," the drunk says with a  smile.
"D id  you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding  his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections  back, your wife fell out of your  car?"
"Oh,  thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For  a minute there, I thought I'd gone  deaf."


************************************************

Brenda  O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim  Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?"  he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell  ya".
" Of  course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But  where's my husband?"
" That's  what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There  was an accident down at the Guinness  brewery..."
"Oh,  God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell  me."
" I must,  Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm  sorry."
Finally,  she looked up at Tim.. "How  did it happen, Tim?"
" It  was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness  Stout and drowned."
"Oh  my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did  he at least go quickly?"
"Well,  Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to  pee."


***************************************

Mary  Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his  Sunday
morning service, and she's in  tears.
He  says,  " So  what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She  says,  "Oh,  Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband  passed away last night."
The  priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,  Mary,
did he have any last  requests?"
S he  says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did  he ask, Mary? "
She  says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn  gun...'


***********************************************

AND T HE B EST F OR L AST

A drunk  staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional  booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The  Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the  drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the  Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The  drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper  on this side either!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the 
new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out 
for a test drive. 

I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become 
extinct...As we took a test drive the salesman (a black man wearing 
an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat 
describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The seats were 
of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm 
air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in 
your butt in the summer heat. 

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a 
Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought 
it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democratic truck, 
the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.... Damn guy had no sense of humor!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The SC Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

<>GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

FARMER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

<>GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

 FARMER: “That would be me.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why Men Wear Earrings
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

 The day finally arrived.  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed,

And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,

It is certainly good to see you.  We have heard a lot about you.

I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,

And we have been administering

An entrance examination for everyone.  

The test is short, but you have to

Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   

But nobody ever told me about any entrance

Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test

As it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I

Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 

First:

What two days of the week

Begin with the letter T?

 

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

 

Third:

What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and

Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

Tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the

First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy.  That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and

He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit

For that answer.  How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about

That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds

In a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's

Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

  'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,

Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give

You credit for that one, too.  

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated

And frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you

Came up with your answers to my first two questions,

But just how in the

World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest

One of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

 

Lord, Give me a sense of humor,

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This is why we love children!

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"   "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.   "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"   "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The earthquake that hit Virginia in the summer of 2011 was actually centered in Washington D.C. on "Bush's Fault."  The earthquake actually occurred when the Founding Fathers rolled over in their graves..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Children, Unknown

Holy Humor, Unknown

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here's a story for all of your Italian friends...and Italian "wannabes".

Question: How did Cape Cod get its name? 

Answer:
When the Mayflower was sailing from England to the New World, there was an Italian couple on board.  After many weeks of hardship, the lookout finally called:
"Land Ho", whereupon most of the passengers went to landward side of the vessel...including the Italian husband.  But, sadly, he lost his footing, fell over the railing and disappeared into the Deep. 
His wife, witnessing this, exclaimed: "What a sin!"  But, since she could not speak English, she said it in Italian: "Che peccato".

And there you have it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A middle-aged man decides to join Work-Out-World. 
While he is talking with the manager, he sees a fine example of "eye candy" working out.
He asks the manager: "Which machine do you think I should work out on in order to impress her?
The manager looks him over and says: "I would suggest the ATM machine".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Should a Child Witness Birth?

Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr
old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and After a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his
help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what
he had just witnessed.
Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place..........spank his ass again!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to  New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
 
Sinko De Mayo.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Marines and friends of this Marine:

It's the way it was meant to be, I think!

The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the
Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they
could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a nursing home
for retired Army soldiers.

They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got first
choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to be
an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit. "How
do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

"It's wonderful," said the old Marine. "Great chow, lots to do, and they
treat everyone with great respect."

"How so, Pop?"

"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force.  He hasn't
worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'

"Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted a
note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'.

"And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone in 20
years, but they still call him 'Doctor' "

"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?"

"Me? They treat me with even more respect.   I'm 92, haven't had sex in 10
years, and they still call me 'That Fucking Marine!'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Puns for Educated Minds:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here is old age at its best...

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. 

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to  find out what had happened to him. 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' 

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'. 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DUI Alabama Style

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes

This is a true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar
in Childersburg , Alabama . After last call the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into It.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off- it was a
fine, dry summer night- flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any
alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must
be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I'm
the designated decoy.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A good education story.... 

A  former Sergeant, having served  his time with the Marine Corps, took a  new job as a  school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his  back.
 
He was required to wear a plaster  cast around  the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On  the first day  of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
 
The  smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him  and decided to see  how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into  the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his  desk.
 
When  a strong breeze made his tie flap,  he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled  the tie to his chest. 
 
  ......Dead silence... He had no trouble  with discipline that year. 
 
  SEMPER FI!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia... Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief"

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.  Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind  get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand   is going to poop on you.                               And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security. Here are their "discoveries."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A chuckle a day keeps the doctor away.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

            New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not....  New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

            PINO MORE

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

> A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
> dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the
> wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> >
> > 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal
> even more.
> >
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
> lights flashing and siren blaring.
> >
> > He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, what
> am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's
> arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
> his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
> you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
> let you go.'
> >
> > The old man paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State
> Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
> >
> >
> > 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Article published in The Day, Nov 27, 2010
Dr. vs. artichoke: No rest for the stupid
Kenton Robinson
By now, you're probably groaning at the very notion of one more leftover turkey sandwich. ("I'd kill that turkey," you mutter, "if it weren't already dead.") Or you're sickened by the thought of still another dollop of marshmallow-pimpled sweet potatoes. Even your favorite pumpkin pie is starting to taste kind of "samey."
But your gastronomical trials pale beside those of Arturo Carvajal, allegedly an actual doctor of medicine in Miami. You will understand why I say "allegedly" in a moment.
Carvajal is suing a restaurant, because when he ordered an artichoke at said restaurant, the waiter neglected to tell him how to eat it.
Here is what the waiter should have told him:
The artichoke, for you who've never partaken, is the lobster of vegetables. Which is to say, it is a spiky, forbidding thing that will attack you, beat you to within an inch of your life and drive off in your car, unless you have the proper tools to take it apart.
So, for example, while your average artichoke weighs about as much as a small cavoodle, one normally uses forceps, scalpel, clamp, sponge and a bonesaw to dissect it in order to eat the edible fly-speck-sized green vegetal flesh lurking within. Then one throws the rest away.
But the waiter didn't tell him this, and Carvajal, an alleged doctor, ATE THE WHOLE THING.
Which must have taken amazing persistence, given that this would be much like eating an entire lobster, shell, claws, eyeballs and all. The chewing alone must have taken Carvajal far into the night, all the other diners long since gone home and fallen asleep watching Leno, while Carvajal stubbornly worked his jaw.
No surprise then that Carvajal ended up in the hospital, stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, where doctors had to remove some 1,253 prickly, leathery artichoke leaves from his bowels.
So now Carvajal is suing.
Because, after all, when you're that stupid, you're too stupid to see how stupid you are to advertise your own stupidity.
Yes, we've read hundreds of stories like this. There's always some idiot who tries to blame someone else for his idiocy. (Why don't these morons ever sue their parents?) And there's always some jury composed of similar idiots who award the idiot a gazillion dollars.
Dear "Doctor" Carvajal: Next time you go out to eat, try the lobster.
This is the opinion of Kenton Robinson.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This is a very sad story about a bear.  Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife! The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife  . . .



Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party..... as they have apparently learned to just sit on their ass and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Democrat black bear in   Montana nicknamed:

Bearack Obearma.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Best joke for 2010 so far

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA  so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Observations on Growing Older, Unknown

Corporate Lessons, Unknown

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Rooseveltsaid, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised
Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.  I called a Suicide Hotline.  I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pun Contest Winners, Unknown

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Experience usually trumps!  - GS


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


- - - - -

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

- - - - -

Very good...and much appreciated by an English Major.   GS



At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.  Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'  The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up." - Unknown

The Older Crowd, Unknown

BARABING!!

Michael Gartner Story, Michael Gartner


Misheard, Unknown

Generation Y, Unknown

Church Bulletin Bloopers, Unknown

DA Cowboy Named Bud, Unknown

Driver's License, Unknown

Vatican Humour, Unknown

Offered by Jay Leno this week...


We are in trouble..., Unknown

Nominated as the best short joke of the year (2009):


Bob Hope in Heaven, Unknown

Older Women are so Reasonable, Unknown

Old Pilots, Unknown

That's a thigh-slapper...and a keeper.  Thanks.  But I don't need the warning now.  GS

Maxine for President, Unknown

Medical Advice, Unknown

<>Solutions, Unknown
<>
<>Always thinking (of one thing), these Italians.  GS ---> Confession, Unknown
<>

Creation, Unknown

Marriage, Unknown

Greatest Qualities, Unknown

The Wrong B-----, Unknown

The Mensa Invitational, Unknown

Obama does turn as comedian in chief, Unknown

Funeral Cost, Unknown

Older Gentleman, Unknown

Biker and the Lion, Unknown

Incorrect Email, Unknown

One Day Employment, Unknown

A Cure for Snoring, Unknown

Be Careful What you Wish For, Unknown

Irish Jokes, Unknown

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven, Unknown

Misc. Jokes, Unknown

Acts Joke, Unknown

An Athiest in the Woods, Unknown

Forwarded Jokes, Unknown

Scottish Norwegian Logic, Unknown

First Time, Unknown

Attorney/Witness Responses, Unknown

Olympic Comments, Unknown

Humor for Lexophiles, Unknown

Abbott & Costello on Computers, Unknown

Gay Flight Attendant, Unknown

Age and Experience, Unknown

The Pastor's Donkey, Unknown

84 Year Old Bride, Unknown

Breakfast at the White House, Unknown

Tech. Support for Husband, Unknown